ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
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On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.