The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
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“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Boom, boom, ching!
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.