[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Ape together strong
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Wednesday
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Effort made