Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
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people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
whatcha thinkin bout
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.