overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
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there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.