Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
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GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.