KFC hitting the cannibal market
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The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭