I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
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One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.