I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
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At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.