Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
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We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?