When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
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Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I am never leaving this website
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?