Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
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SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I need a headline like this
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Is this a threat?
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.