I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
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A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]