I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
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If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
hmm conte-me mais
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid