I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
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Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel