What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
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Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.