What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
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STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
for all #parents out there
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.