*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
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I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
#gardening
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks