Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
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It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”