[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
You Might Also Like
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Strange
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God