me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
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Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”