I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
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Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
🤣🤣🤣
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?