in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
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[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell