[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
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I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Whoa… oh I see lol
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,