This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
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STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Whisper out to librarians!
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
A double negative is a big no-no.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”