I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
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I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
How did we not see this back then?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Good morning!
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me