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The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I have a new favorite meme page
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.