if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
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Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Doctors texting each other.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it