The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
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I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
I think I’ll stand
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Finally, an explanation.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
#MeanwhileInCanada
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?