Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
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“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Just say no
Carpe DM
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
New menu item
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.