“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
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My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?