2022 be like
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I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter: