Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
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A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”