God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
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wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
at ease…shoulder.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.