“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
You Might Also Like
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
shampoo implies shampee
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.