Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
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We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
one last job
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Lmao the reply
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
More like Kate Missington.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!