just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
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I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
termite twitter scares me
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.