Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
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Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?