My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
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“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
when u come home smelling like another dog
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned