[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
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So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.