Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
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Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
She was REALLY feeling it.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
If looks could kill
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
sry
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!