If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
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Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly