date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
You Might Also Like
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
welp
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.