[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
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[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.