My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
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To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car