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Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
pizza
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam