Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
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I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*