What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
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this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Who’s your best friend?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.