Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
You Might Also Like
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.