Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
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Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!